Disclaimer: I shouldn't have to point it out, but the following post is obviously satire. At no point should it be assumed that I actually support any of these crazy ideas.
It is a melancholy object to those who travel this great country, when they see seemingly unsolicited acts of terrorism performed on supposedly unwilling citizens. I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of attacks is, in the present deplorable state of this nation, a very great additional grievance. We see these attacks occurring and wonder if America has ever been through more difficult and troubled times in its long history. Fortunately, there is a solution for those of you who are left cowering in fear of imminent terrorist attack. Like preventing sexual assault, preventing terrorist attack is all about keeping the victim from getting attacked in the first place! Here it is in four easy steps!
1) Don't Wear Provocative Clothing
It's pretty simple really. If you dress like an arrogant, gun-loving, freedom fighting American, you are just asking to be attacked by terrorists. We need to avoid wearing clothing that invites terrorist attack. Things like American flag shirts, exposed body parts, and sandals drive would-be terrorists wild. We can't expect them to control their own feelings and impulses. After all, terrorism is hard-wired into these people's DNA. When they see an immodestly dressed American, their instincts kick in and tell them to attack. It's in their nature. It's pure science.
So we should adapt our lifestyle and fashion so we don't incur their wrath. Fortunately, I have a few ideas for this as well. First of all, get rid of anything with flags, guns, eagles, and especially images of people or animals. Instead, wear simple colors like black, white, or off-white. Also, make sure you are completely covered from head to toe (exposed legs and elbows make terrorists very angry). Women should especially be wary of showing any skin at all. By watching how you dress, you can help reduce your chances of getting attacked by terrorists.
2) Don't Go Out To Public Places Where Attacks Can Happen
Now that you are appropriately dressed and ready to go out, don't! Everyone knows that people get attacked in crowded, popular places, so avoid going to events where terrorist attacks are likely. Places like, nightclubs, parties, parades, festivals, schools, and hospitals are all places where people are known to be attacked. Can you really expect to be completely safe from terrorist attack when you are irresponsible enough to go out to one of these locations?
Instead, try staying home or only going out a short distance from your house. By avoiding public places or any location where fun can happen, you are no longer inviting terrorists to attack you. But be sure you only go out in the daytime! Going out at night is another invitation for terrorists to attack you. Avoid dark alleys, Bastille Day celebrations, and the Middle East in general and you should be fine. Bottom line: be responsible!
3) Avoid Being Associated With American Imperialism
America has pissed off a lot of people in its short history. Invasions, coups, freedom, and 80s hair bands have all made terrorists very angry with the United States. When a loud, obnoxious American walks into a bar (which he shouldn't be at in the first place!) his actions and associations can invite terrorist attack. Is he talking positively about American interventions in foreign countries? Is he flirting with other people in an indecent way? Is he proud to be an American? These are all actions that suggest he secretly wants it, even if he says otherwise.
To prevent sending mixed signals to would-be terrorists, you should instead try to separate yourself from behaviors which antagonize terrorists and invite attack. If you decide to go out in public (again, don't!), try acting docile, humble, and submissive. These behaviors help signal that you are NOT interested in getting attacked. And if that doesn't work, try quietly expressing your disapproval for American foreign interventions, the 1952 Iranian coup, or America's invasive and unyielding cultural influence. Remember: don't act like you want it!
4) Finally, If You Do Get Attacked, Try To Enjoy It
Sometimes getting attacked by terrorists is inevitable. You can do everything right according to the guidelines above and still find yourself being victimized (though let's face it, you probably still did something to invite an attack). In those unfortunate cases, what should you do? Fighting back certainly isn't the best option since you could end up hurting the terrorist (remember: their impulses can't be controlled, it's not their fault). Terrorist attacks are a tragic event that affect the terrorist as well. These attacks can have a profoundly negative impact on a terrorist's life, making it very difficult for them to get into a good college, board a plane, or buy a gun (actually, that last one won't be a problem). They have to live with the pain they caused every single day, so don't make them suffer even more for it.
A much better option would be to simply accept that you are being attacked and try to enjoy it as much as possible. After all, we as Americans love violence, guns, blood, guns, explosions, guns, and death. So why not try to make the best of it while it is happening to you? We all enjoy the thrill of wrestling or playing, so it shouldn't be hard to lie back, close your eyes, and pretend it's all happening for fun. Besides, if it's a legitimate attack, your body has ways of shutting that whole dying process down, so you'll be fine!
So there you have it. Having been wearied out for many months with offering vain, idle, and visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal. If you simply change everything about your dress, social activities, behavior, and national origin affiliations, then you probably won't get attacked. Like preventing sexual assault, it's all about what the victim can do to ensure he doesn't invite attack. Remember: only YOU can prevent being attacked. Don't let yourself become a victim!